This (very old, very badly worded) post from 2 years ago this week (and this bigger, more detailed, hopefully better written, one from last October) says everything you need to know about today, though I keep coming back to this quote I stole from the Pablog.
My birthday was utterly, unspeakably painful. May 17 was the day I turned 38. It was also the two year anniversary of Pablo’s cancer diagnosis. I can tell you one thing about anniversaries: one doesn’t have to ‘make a big deal’ about them. The energy revs up all on its own as the date approaches. If I had eradicated all calendars from my life, my heart would still know that Pablo’s birthday was coming soon. And my heart would still know that Pablo’s death date was coming soon.
Which, really, just says it all.
I won’t get into it all again, the above links say anything I would ever say and more, but, for those around this past weekend who just let me hang out and watch you have a good time (when it looked like I wanted to be left alone), and for those who tried to make sure I was having fun (when it looked like I wasn’t), without anyone knowing I needed it, thank you.
This was a weekend I wanted to be absolutely surrounded by people, by friends, and yet not be social in any way, so, I think we succeeded. Good job team.
And now I’m going to go away and listen to some music and try not to think about that night eleven years ago where my world ended.